Weltschmerz

It is hard to know what to share.  With so much uncertainty and most all my outside activities curtailed it is a challenge to put thoughts into a perspective that is not downright depressing.  When the pandemic started and life began to change, spindle spinning, and tapestry weaving were both refuge and outlet.   I dove into both with a fervor, anxious to calm and center myself and discharge some of my feelings of anxiety, anger and sadness.  I love my little tapestries that resulted from this.

It was calming and energizing at the same time until it wasn’t.  It was almost like chewing bubble gum.  It’s all sweetness and bubbles until it loses flavor and sits in your mouth like a tasteless wad.  My fervor was gone. My big 38-inch loom was warped and ready as was my little Mirrix Saffron.  I could not get excited about either project.  I couldn’t muster any excitement for tapestry period.

 I watch all the tapestry artists I admire post beautiful and compelling work and question the worth of my efforts.  It is a blessing to be in contact with talented artists whose work I admire.  The trick is how to silence my inner critic who wants to goad me to weave more, weave better and weave faster!

COVID Spring

Losing my interest and joy in tapestry weaving would have been unfathomable to me a month ago when weaving COVID Spring.  It sucks.  I have been trying to puzzle it out. I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life but have successfully remained medicated and stable for years.  This feels different.  Everything has changed for everybody.  Some people have lost lives, loved ones, jobs and businesses.  I am fortunate to have my family, my job, my home and my needs met.  I have no right to complain about anything but damnit I am scared, and I am sad.  Not to mention incredibly angry.  Throw some old nurse (not on the frontlines) guilt on top of that and we have a perfect storm.

While trying to dissect the difference between ennui and depression, I came across a word that perfectly captured my imperfect feelings.  Weltschmerz or world weariness.  German for “world pain,” describes an emotional response to the perceived mismatch between how we envision the world should be and how it is now in real life.

I am sheltered in my home and my family is healthy.  Yeah, yeah, I am privileged and grateful, but I miss my friends, my guild, bookstores, restaurant meals, camping, fiber festivals and weaving conferences.  I can hold the thankfulness in my heart as well as the darker feelings that I hesitate to express.

It is okay that I did not weave a masterpiece during quarantine.  Maintaining my sanity, my relationships, my job and my health are going to have to suffice.  Weave on dear friends or sit quietly and dream of weaving on when the loom calls.  No masterpiece,  today I am using french knots to replicate this moss on my slow stitch sampler.  My heart is warmed by Riley finding this moss on the forest floor during our hike and saving it for grandma. I am going to sit quietly, stitch and smile.